An old dream.

An Uchideshi is a live in student in a dojo, a disciple of a sensei and to me, a dream I thought I would never know. When I was 18 I found out about such a thing and that it was actually in my state, I applied and got accepted but I backed out because my family was trying to open a restaurant and I felt they needed me. The plan for the restaurant fell through and I ended up moving out of my parents house shortly after.

I worked and worked, got a car and fulltime job with health coverage. I’m now 25 and am now able to think about doing this again. The freedom at the moment is something I’ve never known and it’s hard to know what to do with myself because most of this has happen in this year and now that I found a dojo I like with an Uchideshi program it’s revamped my drive to be and Aikidoka again… I wanted to take up Kendo but Aikido has been my passion deep down.

People keep asking why I don’t take up MMA or BJJ but honestly I’m not doing this to be some bad ass fighter but to be a better human and to get close to my oldest dream of being the closest thing to a Jedi.

It’s a tough life change because I’m happy with my roommates and my girlfriend fears the change will take me from her but I know in a few years I won’t be able to just “fuck off” and be a part of this type of thing so I join the dojo (hopefully) next month and after training for a bit I might apply to be a live in student.

This is how I always want to watch TV.

This is how I always want to watch TV.

(Reblogged from microphonefiend)


“Sword and mind must be united. Technique by itself is insufficient and spirit alone is not enough.” - Jirokichi Yamada

(Reblogged from sorrowfulkain)

I mean… Sexy school girl kendoka was what I did last year for Halloween but I guess that’s cool… Oh and FYI that’s totally a dude..

Not my photo but awesome nonetheless.

keereeyou said: Hey thanks for the follow! I really enjoy reading your posts!


The Fat Kid

I’m sure as with a lot of people that my geeky behavior wasn’t what caused my health issues but vice versa. Glasses and asthma leading to a lack of sports, growing up one of the only white kids in a predominantly Hispanic part of LA county meant I didn’t have much in the way of friends until about age 9 and being over weight just cemented the fact that I would always know I was the weird one

I don’t say any of this with sorrow or want some kind of pity, I’m purely stating facts. To be honest I loved my childhood, it made me who I am blah blah blah something about lemons…

Any ways…

I later moved out of the LA area and moved to a nice part of Riverside but nevertheless I was always a big kid and the neighbor kids never let me forget that but I still tried to fit in as much as I could until I started to figure out that as they went on to play sports and chase girls I really didn’t care that much. I liked video games and action figures and it wasn’t until I met like minded kids my age that I loosened up and started to learn who I was

I threw in the towel, shaved my head into a mohawk, wore a kilt, had pink hair, played with a yo-yo or juggled and honestly didn’t give a single fuck what any one said. I had a nerdy girlfriend whom I stayed with for about 6 years and did a bit of traveling but all the while, still the fat kid and I mean I was a big dude, I think at my max I was 6 foot and hitting 300lb. I could eat a 4X4, animal fries and a shake from In N Out (sorry if you’re not from the westside… Of the US that is) and to make matters worse I was up all night with Counter Strike or Halo 2, drinking Mountain Dew and munching a Hot Pocket, ignoring my girlfriend’s (at the time) calls and letting my health slide.

Like I said, that girlfriend stuck around for a long time but after she got fed up with my bullshit and bailed out (so don’t blame her, I didn’t want to deal with me either.) I got super into Aikido and lost a good amount of weight. Aikido helped fill the void of loosing not only a partner for 6 years but a very close friend, it got me through and gave me a lot of meaning and to this day I apply things I learned to my daily life.

I bounced around a lot in that time, dated a little but never really anything more but an expensive awkward night out until I got myself a classic geek girlfriend, the internet girl in Canada. Oh my dear reader as I’m sure you’re thinking “Oh, long distance online totally works 100% of the time!” but no.

During the course of all this I had got my lip pierced twice, my septum and my ear lobes. It felt like I was whole but life set in and some of my piercings got replaced with a job, my mohawk got replaced with a new girlfriend and training got replaced with rent. I always said that I would get back into it, that I would find time and a way but honestly I didn’t know how or when. I had a girlfriend who was rather jealous and I let her get in my way a lot so I got soft, gained a lot of my weight back and fell into depression. The asthma I had as a kid started up again, my back always hurt, my head always hurt and I was getting blurred vision.

I gave up, I started to drink more and more. I remember being alone in my room, just my bed, my 360 hooked up to a shitty computer monitor, bare walls, no TV or internet just a phone I would watch YouTube on. Sitting in this room with nothing on but the bare light bulb, chugging alcohol to no effect. I sat there alone, more alone than I ever felt and that was it for me. I remember thinking about how I would marry someone I didn’t love, bring kids into a family I didn’t want, do what I’m told, get fat(ter) and die feeling the way I did that night, alone.

I felt like I could look up from the edge of my bed and see my old self looking down at me, mohawked, pierced, fat black “X” on each hand and most of all free… I felt like I could see him there not in judgement but as a reminder that “he” isn’t dead yet, that “I” had run away from my problems with video games in the past and that “I” was doing the same thing now only with booze instead

Stagnation was slowly killing me and I knew it. I had to do something so I just waited for my girlfriend at the time to pick a fight (It was once a week) and I left her. 4 years of not being who I wanted to be ended with a simple “I’m done” and sticking to it for once.

And the first thing I did with that freedom was sign up for Kendo.

Getting over it

When I was growing up there were three films I remember loving, Edward Scissorhands, Princess Bride and Star Wars. I latched on to those movies for some reason and when I look back on my life I can see how much they shaped my childhood, the awkward “goth” kid who fears hurting those around him, the hopeless romantic always trying to save the princess (also see Link/Zelda) and the boy trying everything he can to just leave it all behind and make a place for himself in the world… Well… Universe…

Making friends that had the same love for Star Wars that I had made my fall into Geekdom absolute and it wasn’t long before I started to ask myself “Why can’t I be a Jedi?” but obviously I can’t move things with my mind or shoot lightening but that feeling of “why not?” never faded. I remember getting a group of kids who liked Star Wars together and started using duct tape to design lightsaber hilts on the end of PVC pipe and fighting each other.

Soon enough I started figuring out ranking and “training” younger kids as Padawans. I had a friend who studied fencing but really didn’t feel like it was the style I wanted but it wasn’t until my mom pushed me into Aikido that I found what I was looking for.

The problem I was facing was my inability to let my preconceived ideas of “my dojo” go. I wanted an old Japanese man teaching me the ancient ways of the samurai in an old temple where I would be dressed in my hakama and live out my oh so romantic life and nothing would ever be as good as that so of course I would disregard every dojo that wasn’t up to my standards (standards based on Anime, because that’s totally the best place to base ones reality) until one day my dad told me there was a kendo dojo in the next city over, I rushed there thinking this could be it but when I got there the sign said “Kempo” a major let down but I was still pushed in the door to talk to the sensei. A small white man who looked like more of a folk singer than a sensei to me. He was kind enough to sit with me for awhile, talk, show me books I should look up and even had a yoda on his desk but when he asked me what I was looking for I just spewed out all the bullshit my 13 year old self thought he wanted like rice mats, hakama, Japanese sensei and no air conditioning (yes, that was on the dojo check list) and to his credit he didn’t laugh in my face but he offered up some wisdom “How do you know someone is a good cook? Can you tell just by reading about him? Can you tell by what cook books he wrote? How do you know unless you’ve had his food?” I saw the point he was making and to be honest it pissed me off, I wanted Japan and I wouldn’t stop until I got it.

Looking back I see how foolish and really racist I was being but wouldn’t see that until years later when I thought about what he said again. I was so set in that way of thinking because I had fallen in love with all the samurai books and movies and anime that what I wanted didn’t even exist in Japan so I gave up.. I gave up for years and life went insane in those years but now as I start this path again I’m trying to find what martial arts are, not what I want them to be.

Photo of my reflection in a mirror in the main entry way at The Haunted Mansion in Disneyland


Getting a sippy cup from my grandma